Warrior Actualisation part 3 of 3: There I am semi naked, with my wild primitive..

I find myself on the beautiful spiritual Island of _____ and at the mercy of the Sonoran Desert Toad. I am with four friends, three have decided to take on the toad and one was truly kind enough to be part of the experience as a strong support and our chief cameraman. The Shaman in this ceremony is very different, big strong lad, hands like shovels. He doesn’t quite look like the wise wizard from the Ayahuasca ceremony,  I’d say more like the wrestler, than Gandalf. This later comes in handy, as I get Ko’d by the Toad.  

The Shaman is on a huge and amazing quest and has single handedly cured 5000 meth addicts around the globe.

Yeah I know, exactly! 

Why is that not on the news, why haven’t you read about this in the Metro?

I am in this amazing position because of one of my good friends who had experienced the toad and had shown me the video of his experience. More importantly, he is also a student of mine and I witnessed first hand the most amazing transformation in him; both physically and emotionally due to this experience. 

It would have taken me months to make the changes in his thoracic Spinal alignment, but between the student the toad and the Shaman, they had made this transformation in all of 12 minutes. 

We are asked who would like to go first, and it is I who steps up. I am really on a mission to let go and boy am I not disappointed.  There I stand looking out at the woods with the sun beating down on me. It is a beautiful day and I am asked to look up and out at our sky towards the sun.

The Shaman begins with some bodywork and some chanting, that I still here even today. He asks me to breath deeply and already I am feeling the energy. He pulls out a pipe and heats the venom and then holds it to my lips and I inhale a huge lung full of the venom smoke, it tastes as well as you would expect toad venom to taste.  He takes a pull of the pipe himself and then Bam! It is at this point things take immediate affect.  I feel the Shaman run his hand over my eyes and back over my head and I say goodbye to self.

There is a brief moment when I experience a few fractals and then I am sucked into a white void. This huge pure white chasm where there is no Tony Riddle at all, he does not exist. There is no feeling of fear or doubt towards this situation. I don't have feelings other than a sense that I am that, I am. I am the one, the sky, the plants, the trees, the water, the rocks, the you, the me. 

We are all one beating heart, there are no other words to explain other than there is no self. I am at one with the groaning white void of a universe. It is a strong old beast, a complete white paradise of nothingness. 

I am then reborn and move from an earth experience to that of an animal.  I now go through a whole evolutionary experience from what felt like an aquatic phase, to a lizard, to primate and finally to feeling a cross between a primate, a bear, and a man, really primitive man but chained.

It is these chains that I have to break free from, to break free of the chains is to let go. I had to break free of those shackles. I came round with the impression that the shaman was still in front of me and he had given me this nod of appreciation. A nod to show he understood the pain I had to go through in order to break free. I had let out a thousand years worth of pain, real pain. A release of pain that could only come from torture in what could only have been 15 minutes. I am standing fully extended back with my arms hugging the earth. I later watch a video of this part of the ceremony and I am screaming, a gargling scream. It is a real primal scream, something that I have never heard, or managed to access before.

When the Shaman is happy in the knowledge that I have come round He and I walk for a minute or two, I am then finally let free to go for a walk. I go off into the woods, barefoot in just a pair of trunks. I have this huge desire to roar, and I go with it. 

The relief that this roar brings can only be compared to the feeling of needing to burp, then finally being able to produce a huge burp. The burp feels so good, that you can’t wait to do it over and over again.

There I am semi naked with my wild primitive hand wrapped around the trunk of a tree having the most profound moment of my life. Me, the tree, nature and the roar as one, not separate but one. This was total rebirth, I had died and imploded into the white chasm and then had this complete rebirth experience to remove the shackles of pain. This was really letting go, letting the pain go, the bare me free of ego. My heart is now fully opened and I feel we have created a new space, an opening of my ribcage and chest, body work that I have been working on for a long time all dealt with in a matter of minutes. This is such powerful work, so powerful that I can honestly say this process can touch anything.  

I come away from the whole experience with a clear understanding of how to heal within the emotional self. Firstly we need the right community in order to align ourselves physically and spiritually for the growth of the one true self. The community within the social foundation is the community that strives towards the growth of self. It is this social wheel that ultimately shapes us.

You can be perfectly aligned and incredibly skilful with your physical needs, but if you’re not connecting on a spiritual level you are not unlocking your true warrior potential and opening the universe to growth. 

The same is said for the skilful spiritual self, If their physical needs are not met they too will have an emotional response. You need the physical foundation to be strong in order to be grounded.

Ram Dass said after his stroke that he had forgotten about his physical self.  It’s quite common for the real spiritual warriors to forget about their physical self. 

The more we align ourselves with all our fundamental needs, the stronger and more in touch with nature we become. We start to beat as one, one self, one consciousness. 

The Project is born and we will grow to be Warriors!

Warrior Actualisation part 2 of 3: "After my first cup of Ayahuasca"

So did the Aya call me, did she get through:

Prior to the positive affirmations, the mindfulness, the meditation, the research into the pineal gland, the cleansing, etc;  I had decided to hire a cottage from two of my students (now good friends) to celebrate my 40^th birthday.  I thought, what the heck, what better way to spend it, than with friends. That’s what people do right, they hire a house for their 40^th and invite their friends away with them to celebrate.

Not no more!

Weeks had passed by and I now have a complete change of mind. All the mindfulnes has started to take affect and the voice of reason and clarity had come knocking to persuade me differently;

“You can’t start all this work and then go away and trash yourself partying, the last thing you want to do is wake up aged 40 with a dirty great hangover”.

So I make the decision to travel to Peru for my 40^th birthday, there I would stay in the Amazon with a shaman and drink Ayahuasca for one week. I have one thing to do first, I must contact the guys to notify them of my plans.

I explained:

“Random, but I am going away to the Amazon to stay with a shaman and drink Ayahuasca”.

Their reply is something that changed my perception of them forever:

“You don’t need to do that, we have a shaman and a ceremony coming up in a couple of weeks time, you're more than welcome”

One problem, and quite a big problem at that time. It fell on the exact weekend that I was to run the royal parks half marathon, just like the year before, no shoes, strictly barefoot, but run it faster. I was aiming for an 80 minute half marathon and had put some serious mileage in. My feet had become like jelly pads and the tarahumara had nothing on me, lol. I had become a barefoot running machine.

But when I actually sat back and worked on myself.  I realised this was the armor, the defense mechanism kicking in, but now I had the skill,  the mindfulness and now the recognition of this defense. I decide to let the run go. I  had to come to the conclusion that I could run a half marathon in my sleep. But this, this was a chance, a serious chance to really do good things and to make the difference in my life and others. I would get behind the defense, let it go and find out what was actually lurking behind that façade.

Let it go!

Letting it go is something that I now understand, but at that moment in time letting go wasn't that simple. The closest I got to Let it go, was listening to my Daughters Lola and Millie belting out the lyrics from the Disney movie Frozen .

The scene is set, and the ceremony is under way. I'm with 20 people, in the most amazing location. I have with me the kind of emotions that come with the fear of the unknown, excited, yet silently shitting myself with all the knowledge I had gathered from countless research missions through Google.

The Shaman that is working with us is both strong and wise beyond his years. I remember staring into the eyes of this Shaman, and feeling him stare beyond the armor, way beyond any ego defense system I had managed to sculpt/create over the years.

After my first cup of Ayahuasca, I felt the warmth of the room and the harmony of the one. The one  was the 20 soles present becoming one.  Other than this experience and listening to the harmonies between the Shaman and his sisters, nothing more really came to me.  I began to do what anyone does in that position, especially after reading about too many romantic experiences. I had started to question the experience. Thirty minutes or so pass (quite rapidly I might add) and I’m presented with the next cup. A few more minutes pass by, and a select few venture outside of the room into the fresh air.

Fresh air and a couple of hits on Saint Maria, is all I need and I am away. I am transported up in an elevator to the sky, Willy Wonker style, and it is a whole different level when the doors are open.  After spending quite a while staring out of the elevator at the wonderous sky, I decide the cosy room is safer for this particular occasion and venture back inside. I sit crossed legged on a cushion in the Easy Pose and remain there, except this time, I am listening to a clear message;

"To truly learn, you will have to let go".

Over and over the voice comes through. It is clear and it is a feminine voice. Immediately I trust the voice and start a dialogue. I feel drawn towards a subject of my parents and my childhood and am presented with the facts, free of the stories and the ego. Somehow when I was young I had conjured up all kinds of stories about my dad. I never felt a real strong emotional bond. The thing is my Dad worked so damn hard that he was either at work, or too tired from working. Something I can relate to when I owned the gym,  It is exactly this that I had become familiar with. I personally had the same experience when I never made it home to see the girls and had become more and more absent as a father even when present. I now have a very different opinion of this, but up until that point in the ceremony, I had obviously stored this away emotionally and had been carrying this shit around with me for years.  I had always felt this emotional suppressor in our relationship. For the record, I don’t mean he doesn’t love me, nor I him.  It’s that father hug son shit that I felt I needed.   

The voice, clear as day, had said for me to remove the story and it is I who has the ability to change the relationship:

"Your Dad is the same with his Dad, emotionally. That's what the men of that generation did, they weren't so open to showing emotions.  It is you that has the power to change. Within you, you have the ability to change this situation. In all of us we have the ability to make that difference, you can choose growth, or you can choose to carry it forward to the next generation for them to deal with it".

The ego wouldn't normally allow such simple suggestions in, but with my new clear mirror talking back to me. I could actually listen, truly listen.  I had the empty cup, free from the chains. All my ears were open and suddenly I knew exactly what it is I had to do. I had found what I was looking for.  

You could spend a small fortune on the psychotherapists couch getting here, but I knew within minutes what I needed to do. I come round in my thoughts and hear the music fill the room. The heat is just right and I feel the excitement as the next cup is presented.  This is perfect timing for me.  I feel I need to go back and look at myself in the mirror of truth and honesty.

Riding a Lizard.

I get back to my Easy Pose, which is feeling ever so slightly more like a casual slump. Let's just say I had a little less emphasis on posture. I tell myself this is ok and as the singing starts I close my eyes and find myself riding a huge lizard. Each member of the tribe in the room is sat up upon the lizard. The lizard has a harness and reigns, similar to that of a racing horse, and is ridden by the Shaman and his sisters.  We are riding through a maze of beautifully engineered pure white-blue-white tubes. The Shaman turns, he's now looking more like a wizard. He nods as I find myself arrive at my next destination, destination honesty has arrived.

I learn some amazing business truths within this part of the ceremony. I remember feeling completely flabbergasted at how accurate and precise the mind can be, when it is free from all the stories. I now have a 100% honest approach to work with.  I came away with the understanding that I had honesty within my dishonesty. I now have to live my philosophy with precision and not just talk the approach. When I say honest, honest to what I preach. I have to live the philosophy, no exceptions. I have to move away from the zoo and out into nature.

I managed to put together my whole presentation for the worrier to Warrior project in just a matter of minutes and had a clear understanding of what it is I have to do. I am presented with the true quest, not just my textbook version of what the quest is, but what the true heart of the quest should be. 

I am to transform Worriers into Warriors, and this is my mission. It is quite an undertaking to be this aligned with the philosophy, and it will take balls. I welcome the mission in with a clear precise understanding. People will leave with the skills they need for their path of the warrior. If we are free from all the fear based worry, we can all do more good in the world.

I go to bed that night with a new heart, even as I write this, I think back to my last night as a frustrated individual.  As a reminder I only need to read my previous blogs, and there it is, the voice of frustration, it was a frustration at the world. Why didn’t they understand what it is I'm trying to do. Well the next night gave me the clear reflection of my self.  It was a clear mirror that enabled me to see the true Tony Riddle, the Tony of old.  Like with my farther and our relationship. It is I who has the ability to change the world as I see it.  It is I that can grab the reigns of the Lizard and steer it. It just takes the mind to be clear from all the worry, all the stories, to see that the path has already been cleared and brightly lit. I just need to trust it and let it all go in order arrive.

After the weekend I arrive home,with a new mission in life and a new passion for life.

The first place I have to visit is my parents.
I describe the whole experience to them, and my parents take it well, they haven’t called the doctors in the white coats yet and it’s better than I had imagined.
I give my Dad that hug, the one I knew I had to give, and boy it feels good. I tell him we need to do this more often and that we haven’t for years.  I begin to realize how ridiculous life can get. The stories we carry can literally guide or miss-guide us along varying paths, with sometimes positive and sometimes negative outcomes.

But even after all the messages about letting it go, I still felt that I hadn’t. In order to truly learn this is something | will have to do... But I knew I what it was that I needed to let go.  That voice from the Ayahuasca ceremony was so clear and precise that I had to follow it.

The Ego is the grand master of guidance, and the only way to truly let go, would be to completely remove ones perception of self away from the equation. Luckily for me I had the invitation to do just that. I had been invited to smoke the venom of the Sonoran Desert Toad and this was my one way ticket to the creator of self.

So did I finally learn to let it go?

To be continued…….

Warrior Actualisation part 1 of 3: DMT (Dimethyltryptamine) kept popping up on my radar.

I don't just move around in nature.  I now move around at one with nature.
I am nature, I'm fully uploaded baby and can hear all that she brings;  the whispering of the leaves, the birds that are chirping and the bushes that sway in the wind.  When I walk, I feel at one with the earth through the soles of my feet. It’s as if I am now viewing the world through a newly discovered sensory system and I am fully engaged and plugged in. I am aware of this new found strength and where it will take me, a strength way beyond any physical foundation. Now when I teach, I teach from the heart and not just from the textbook.  

In the past, physically I had felt like a warrior.  I could fight, run anywhere barefoot, climb anything, adopt any crawl, carry others, blah, blah, blah. But when I looked deep enough and scratched away at the ego,  I soon discovered that all that physical strength was just armor. I was actually becoming sick. I had become a worrier, suffering emotionally and spiritually and hiding behind the physical façade. Yet I didn't gain this newfound self through so called strength and conditioning. In fact movement only played a small part.

So how did it happen, how did I make the transition from worrier to warrior?

2014 was a year full of changes and big challenges.  I closed the gym and left behind a toxic life with it.  I knew I needed to take a year out to work on myself.

I had a mini crisis and went on a self help, save myself mission to discover a new me, but strangely in that process, discovered the old me that had been forgotten over the years.

I started with positive affirmations, mindfulness and some meditation. I found the need to work on my mind, to clear all of the worry I had managed to create. No one advised me to do so, it was just something that I knew I had to do, and as a result, flipped a switch from protection to one of growth and in part started my journey into my awakening.

Armed with many a book under my belt and numerous Google searches, I had become quite curious about the pineal gland, A.K.A the third eye, as referred to in many a spiritual camps.  

I had read that flouride, found in tooth paste, tap water and various types of tea is actually a neurotoxin and is linked to calcifying the pineal gland, rendering it dysfunctional.  So out went the fluoride, no tap water, not even for bathing, no regular tooth paste and no tea.

I felt drawn towards eating sea vegetables and drinking chlorophyll,  all known for cleansing the pineal gland. I researched more and more and discovered sun gazing. Having the ginger gene, I had become so fearful of the sun, but had now discovered the true power of the sun, and all that it holds.  The sun has such amazing energy and healing potential, but like all of our physical needs, it requires a skill and it is a skill I have now feel I have honed and added to my Warrior protocols.

At both sunrise & sunset I started to gaze at the sun.  The first 45 minutes at sunrise and the last 45 minutes at sunset. You basically have a small window where the sun is at the most therapeutic phase.  This therapeutic Sun gazing stimulates melanin & melatonin, in other words if you want to sleep well and protect yourself from the sun, you stare at it.

I started delving a little deeper into the sun gazing and pineal gland protocols. DMT (Dimethyltryptamine) kept popping up on my radar.  The more I researched the more coincidences started to occur and within just a matter of days, I had been asked whether I had any experience with Ayahuasca, which if you don't know has been used for 5000 years as a medicine.

There are a number of stories surrounding Ayahuasca, but essentially it involves a leaf from one plant and the vine from another. In a big cauldron, the leaves and the vines are layered, over and over and then cooked and cooked for hours until reduced down to produce a thick syrupy drink. The taste of which, isn’t my most fondest of memories.

Ayahuasca is a psychotropic medicine that is used for physical, social, spiritual and emotional healing, depending on where you need to work or to be taken.  But to be taken, you have to be invited and you have to be prepared to go there, and as I discovered you have to learn to let go.

I found myself deeper and deeper involved and before I knew it. I was seriously considering traveling to Peru for my 40^th birthday. There I would stay in the Amazon with a shaman and drink Ayahuasca for one week. But something that I had read had stuck with me. Apparently, when you are ready and it is time, the Aya will call you.

So will I get my calling?

To be continued......