Warrior Actualisation part 2 of 3: "After my first cup of Ayahuasca"

So did the Aya call me, did she get through:

Prior to the positive affirmations, the mindfulness, the meditation, the research into the pineal gland, the cleansing, etc;  I had decided to hire a cottage from two of my students (now good friends) to celebrate my 40^th birthday.  I thought, what the heck, what better way to spend it, than with friends. That’s what people do right, they hire a house for their 40^th and invite their friends away with them to celebrate.

Not no more!

Weeks had passed by and I now have a complete change of mind. All the mindfulnes has started to take affect and the voice of reason and clarity had come knocking to persuade me differently;

“You can’t start all this work and then go away and trash yourself partying, the last thing you want to do is wake up aged 40 with a dirty great hangover”.

So I make the decision to travel to Peru for my 40^th birthday, there I would stay in the Amazon with a shaman and drink Ayahuasca for one week. I have one thing to do first, I must contact the guys to notify them of my plans.

I explained:

“Random, but I am going away to the Amazon to stay with a shaman and drink Ayahuasca”.

Their reply is something that changed my perception of them forever:

“You don’t need to do that, we have a shaman and a ceremony coming up in a couple of weeks time, you're more than welcome”

One problem, and quite a big problem at that time. It fell on the exact weekend that I was to run the royal parks half marathon, just like the year before, no shoes, strictly barefoot, but run it faster. I was aiming for an 80 minute half marathon and had put some serious mileage in. My feet had become like jelly pads and the tarahumara had nothing on me, lol. I had become a barefoot running machine.

But when I actually sat back and worked on myself.  I realised this was the armor, the defense mechanism kicking in, but now I had the skill,  the mindfulness and now the recognition of this defense. I decide to let the run go. I  had to come to the conclusion that I could run a half marathon in my sleep. But this, this was a chance, a serious chance to really do good things and to make the difference in my life and others. I would get behind the defense, let it go and find out what was actually lurking behind that façade.

Let it go!

Letting it go is something that I now understand, but at that moment in time letting go wasn't that simple. The closest I got to Let it go, was listening to my Daughters Lola and Millie belting out the lyrics from the Disney movie Frozen .

The scene is set, and the ceremony is under way. I'm with 20 people, in the most amazing location. I have with me the kind of emotions that come with the fear of the unknown, excited, yet silently shitting myself with all the knowledge I had gathered from countless research missions through Google.

The Shaman that is working with us is both strong and wise beyond his years. I remember staring into the eyes of this Shaman, and feeling him stare beyond the armor, way beyond any ego defense system I had managed to sculpt/create over the years.

After my first cup of Ayahuasca, I felt the warmth of the room and the harmony of the one. The one  was the 20 soles present becoming one.  Other than this experience and listening to the harmonies between the Shaman and his sisters, nothing more really came to me.  I began to do what anyone does in that position, especially after reading about too many romantic experiences. I had started to question the experience. Thirty minutes or so pass (quite rapidly I might add) and I’m presented with the next cup. A few more minutes pass by, and a select few venture outside of the room into the fresh air.

Fresh air and a couple of hits on Saint Maria, is all I need and I am away. I am transported up in an elevator to the sky, Willy Wonker style, and it is a whole different level when the doors are open.  After spending quite a while staring out of the elevator at the wonderous sky, I decide the cosy room is safer for this particular occasion and venture back inside. I sit crossed legged on a cushion in the Easy Pose and remain there, except this time, I am listening to a clear message;

"To truly learn, you will have to let go".

Over and over the voice comes through. It is clear and it is a feminine voice. Immediately I trust the voice and start a dialogue. I feel drawn towards a subject of my parents and my childhood and am presented with the facts, free of the stories and the ego. Somehow when I was young I had conjured up all kinds of stories about my dad. I never felt a real strong emotional bond. The thing is my Dad worked so damn hard that he was either at work, or too tired from working. Something I can relate to when I owned the gym,  It is exactly this that I had become familiar with. I personally had the same experience when I never made it home to see the girls and had become more and more absent as a father even when present. I now have a very different opinion of this, but up until that point in the ceremony, I had obviously stored this away emotionally and had been carrying this shit around with me for years.  I had always felt this emotional suppressor in our relationship. For the record, I don’t mean he doesn’t love me, nor I him.  It’s that father hug son shit that I felt I needed.   

The voice, clear as day, had said for me to remove the story and it is I who has the ability to change the relationship:

"Your Dad is the same with his Dad, emotionally. That's what the men of that generation did, they weren't so open to showing emotions.  It is you that has the power to change. Within you, you have the ability to change this situation. In all of us we have the ability to make that difference, you can choose growth, or you can choose to carry it forward to the next generation for them to deal with it".

The ego wouldn't normally allow such simple suggestions in, but with my new clear mirror talking back to me. I could actually listen, truly listen.  I had the empty cup, free from the chains. All my ears were open and suddenly I knew exactly what it is I had to do. I had found what I was looking for.  

You could spend a small fortune on the psychotherapists couch getting here, but I knew within minutes what I needed to do. I come round in my thoughts and hear the music fill the room. The heat is just right and I feel the excitement as the next cup is presented.  This is perfect timing for me.  I feel I need to go back and look at myself in the mirror of truth and honesty.

Riding a Lizard.

I get back to my Easy Pose, which is feeling ever so slightly more like a casual slump. Let's just say I had a little less emphasis on posture. I tell myself this is ok and as the singing starts I close my eyes and find myself riding a huge lizard. Each member of the tribe in the room is sat up upon the lizard. The lizard has a harness and reigns, similar to that of a racing horse, and is ridden by the Shaman and his sisters.  We are riding through a maze of beautifully engineered pure white-blue-white tubes. The Shaman turns, he's now looking more like a wizard. He nods as I find myself arrive at my next destination, destination honesty has arrived.

I learn some amazing business truths within this part of the ceremony. I remember feeling completely flabbergasted at how accurate and precise the mind can be, when it is free from all the stories. I now have a 100% honest approach to work with.  I came away with the understanding that I had honesty within my dishonesty. I now have to live my philosophy with precision and not just talk the approach. When I say honest, honest to what I preach. I have to live the philosophy, no exceptions. I have to move away from the zoo and out into nature.

I managed to put together my whole presentation for the worrier to Warrior project in just a matter of minutes and had a clear understanding of what it is I have to do. I am presented with the true quest, not just my textbook version of what the quest is, but what the true heart of the quest should be. 

I am to transform Worriers into Warriors, and this is my mission. It is quite an undertaking to be this aligned with the philosophy, and it will take balls. I welcome the mission in with a clear precise understanding. People will leave with the skills they need for their path of the warrior. If we are free from all the fear based worry, we can all do more good in the world.

I go to bed that night with a new heart, even as I write this, I think back to my last night as a frustrated individual.  As a reminder I only need to read my previous blogs, and there it is, the voice of frustration, it was a frustration at the world. Why didn’t they understand what it is I'm trying to do. Well the next night gave me the clear reflection of my self.  It was a clear mirror that enabled me to see the true Tony Riddle, the Tony of old.  Like with my farther and our relationship. It is I who has the ability to change the world as I see it.  It is I that can grab the reigns of the Lizard and steer it. It just takes the mind to be clear from all the worry, all the stories, to see that the path has already been cleared and brightly lit. I just need to trust it and let it all go in order arrive.

After the weekend I arrive home,with a new mission in life and a new passion for life.

The first place I have to visit is my parents.
I describe the whole experience to them, and my parents take it well, they haven’t called the doctors in the white coats yet and it’s better than I had imagined.
I give my Dad that hug, the one I knew I had to give, and boy it feels good. I tell him we need to do this more often and that we haven’t for years.  I begin to realize how ridiculous life can get. The stories we carry can literally guide or miss-guide us along varying paths, with sometimes positive and sometimes negative outcomes.

But even after all the messages about letting it go, I still felt that I hadn’t. In order to truly learn this is something | will have to do... But I knew I what it was that I needed to let go.  That voice from the Ayahuasca ceremony was so clear and precise that I had to follow it.

The Ego is the grand master of guidance, and the only way to truly let go, would be to completely remove ones perception of self away from the equation. Luckily for me I had the invitation to do just that. I had been invited to smoke the venom of the Sonoran Desert Toad and this was my one way ticket to the creator of self.

So did I finally learn to let it go?

To be continued…….